OUT OF FUCKS
I recently realized that I’ve been censoring my art out of fear of hurting some people, or not managing to help heal them. I’ve been procrastinating releasing much of my work in fear of how it will be received. Isn’t that crazy?!
Me and my fear went on a date to the forest and we laughed long and hard at how silly we’ve been acting. I know that the healing of this behavior has just begun, but I do feel that something has shifted. It’s like a part of me is out of fucks. It’s true, a part of me is celebrating the lightness of releasing years of agony of how I affect people.
You see, for as long as I can remember, probably ever since I came to this planet, I have been wanting to assist people on their journey, to help remind them of their greatness. This need to assist, has created a lot of complications in my own human experience. I have felt obligated to always give people my best and been deeply concerned if people are offended with me or my art. As a coach, I would tell myself to stop caring what others think and just put out whatever I feel like putting out in our beautiful web of co creations. Sadly I haven’t been listening to my inner reason for a long time. Instead I have been listening to and feeling other peoples reactions.
I am a happy and quite positive person, I have chosen to be this way, it makes me feel good. I can’t help but to see the beauty in everything and most of my art is a reflection of that.
One might think that people like hearing uplifting music and that they enjoy receiving beams of hope, that is true for many people, but not everybody. Think about it, If you are sad, maybe even deeply depressed, do you want to hear how wonderful life is? not always right?
If you are in a deep agony and sit in a dark room dwelling in the deliciousness of this intense and beautiful emotion, do you enjoy someone bursting in and opening the curtains, shouting out “what a wonderful day, look at the sunshine and all the butterflies”? No, you probably don’t. That person might seem annoying and provoking to you, maybe even fake. You might think that that person just doesn’t get the complexity of life, that they are shallow and trite. You might be right, or you might be wrong.
We don’t always know everybody’s story and how they got to be who they are, do we?
If I could have a penny for every time, as a young woman, I’ve heard phrases like” let’s talk when you’re older and when life has played a number on you too, let’s see how positive you are then”. I’ve never felt any resentment towards these people, because I truly know where they are coming from. I feel their pain. See, life has already played a number or two on me. I have lost both my parents, been abused, been abandoned, cried myself to sleep every night for years, been bullied, been sick and felt deeply misplaced and unwanted most parts of my life. Believe me when I say I get it! Life can feel tough sometimes.
Everybody handles these ups and downs in their own way. Personally I feel that everything I have experienced has taught me to see how magical this human experience truly is. I feel that it’s a privilege to be alive and I can’t help but to fall in love with every moment, be it dark or light, and that discovery is what I share with my audience.
I get a lot of beautiful letters, emails, comments from you guys telling me how much you appreciate my art, and how my art has helped you. I want you to know that I appreciate those warm words immensely. But I have finally learned that I can’t depend on these words and I can’t please everyone. I have never gotten any bad response for my art, but I can feel that there are people that my art doesn’t reach, people whom other artist speak to… and you know what, it’s ok! I should not change to cater to them.
Whatever I feel is true to my heart, that is what I should share.
This might sound like an obvious thing to do to you, but it has taken me my whole life to get to this point. Not only regarding my art, but all peoples opinions about me.
I’m just out of fucks…and this is where life begins.